The keys to good commentary:
* have a letter and number of the day
* speak unnecessarily slow/measured
* very helpful if you have unusual vocal inflection
* feed the stream misinformation. Its has to be subtle though, you don’t want it to be obvious that you’re lying. Do the good lie thing where you dress it up in little truths or convincing rhetoric. Ex: I said that Dan beat sfat in a money match but that sfat had just gotten off the plane. Because sfat also lost to dart and kels for this reason it is more believable. Think the game of faces.
* Explicit jokes are discouraged.
* Nest your jokes and references. If you make a subtle joke, leave it be for 3 minutes then quickly reference it, but move on immediately. You can continue to make singular references to it irregularly but it is less effective over time.
* Invent a narrative about the players (they’re long lost relatives, they like the same girl, they both used to play brawl, whatever) and beat it to death. Then beat it some more.
* Make a big and lengthy deal out of small things. A missed L-cancel, a good bair, something like that.
* Disagree with and berate your co-commentator but if you’re going to argue you have to be 100% sure that you can’t lose the argument.
* Pick a player and bash him really hard all day.
* Pick a clearly bad player and talk him up. Every time he does something bad you say, oh minor flub minor flub.